Day-to-Day

The Stuff Dreams are Made Of.

December 2, 2015

You (more than) once said you liked me and I replied “I like you too, and maybe a little more than I should“. I never got to explain, so here it goes.

There couldn’t be a better time for you to show up. Actually, scratch that, there couldn’t possibly be a worse time for you to show up and that is part of the reason that makes it so good. I was broken. I am broken. I’ve been broken and it’s not new. After the latest turn of events I thought I could use the time alone to figure myself out and gradually shine some light onto the things I’ve stored away in my memory, in my dustiest inner shelves. That strategy would play out nicely and in a few months – few? months? – I’d be back to what I assume is my normal state. I’ll just go ahead and admit it was a failed plan which wouldn’t work because it takes more than me to fix whatever is wrong in my head, result of a 1+ year of a messy life – in all possible aspects.

A 1+ year of going mad and trying to fix things I didn’t know if could or not be fixed. Things I didn’t know if should or not be fixed. 1+ year of feeding fears and insecurities, of making myself smaller and as invisible as I could, as quite and by myself as humanly possible.

So, in a direct answer, I wasn’t ready for this. I am not ready for you. You can’t be real, you fit in too many of my dream categories – including some of the weirdest and most secret ones -, so you can only be made of the stuff dreams are made of. The fact that I’m not ready didn’t stop me from keep going – well, it did at times, and then you revealed yourself to be even more dream-like than before – and this desire to continue fuels my resolve to fix myself faster and better than I’ve been before.

I’m not BEING sweet. I do the things I do because they’re the only viable option at the time. It’s like we talked the other day: I can’t imagine being any different because that’s how it is and I don’t feel the need to think about it. It’s simple – but quite complex at the same time – just how it should be when it works. I know I usually think too much about pretty much everything. One of the few things that escape my awful overthinking habit is the way I am when I’m with you.

I don’t know if this is indeed Something or if it’s just a temporary state. I know it creates a mess and I apologize now – as I did before. I tried to avoid it as much as I could but it’s not just up to me. I’ve played a few different roles in situations like this before, I do have an “ideal outcome” in mind, but I’ll play with whatever comes out of it because I want you as part of my life.

You were (more than) patient when you didn’t have to. You were interested and honest when all I could think of myself was “boring” and all I could reply to your daring questions was “I don’t know”/”I don’t remember”/”I never thought about it” even though I had a million other answers that I didn’t feel comfortable enough spitting out yet. You’re changing the way I see myself and how I go about life. You’re warm where I’m cold and you got me figured out from the start. I care so much I have to pretend I don’t care at all so I’m never disappointed. I play safe because it’s the only way I know how to play.

Time for a bit of chaos. Will you still dream with me, or I better wake up now, and let it all go?