Day-to-Day

I think I mentioned I’m working on a number of different projects at the same time recently and that involves getting feedback from different people regarding how they feel about the way the idea develops. Yesterday I got out of a call with the goal of “being more shocking, more creative, this is looking too simple, doesn’t look like you”. Today I heard almost the exact same thing, regarding a similar project (on a much smaller scale, though), from a different person. “Be more daring. Less predictable, like everything you do”. Well, crap.

In the past I’ve worked on some pretty crazy projects with both people. They turned out to be awesome in the end, but I was in a different stage of my life and being digitally careless had no serious consequence other than multiplying the amount of time in front of the screen fixing all the stupid mistakes and non-organized animation. I look back and see things that I could easily fix or improve today, and that’s fine, I guess this is how it should be in an artist’s career. The point now is that being reckless with creative work drove me down some crappy roads recently. Let’s rephrase that, being reckless with several aspects of my life got me in so much trouble this past year that after things started to improve and I felt I was getting better, I started to be careful. During this “recovery phase” – as I feel it – I decided (not consciously) to play safe. Play safe with work, play safe with food, with people and friends, play safe with my plans or even with my bike rides, and that’s precisely from where I should be learning.

What? How would you learn anything from playing safe with bike rides? Of course I don’t want to die on the road, so I play safe, but sometimes the bike doesn’t like the idea, or the road, and I have to either strengthen my grip through the wreck and do my best not to fall or deal with the consequences. To illustrate the matter: I’ve fallen twice recently. The first time, the road was frozen and the tires lost grip, so I fell. The second time I went over an obstacle that was a little too tall and that sent me flying in one direction and the bike in another. I’m ALWAYS afraid of falling, even before these two occasions, but hitting the ground was much less scary in real life compared to what I had imagined.

It means I’m very likely playing safe because the possible outcomes for taking risks are way too worrisome. Following this train of thought I should take the damn risks and deal with whatever comes afterwards because even if it turns out bad, it won’t be as bad as I think. Of course, I can be mistaken about my own internal motivation and the reason I’m playing safe is because I wanna do more things, different things, and taking risks on every single one of them isn’t creative, it’s just stupid. I know I’ll hit walls once in a while, roll on the ground, get a few bruises here and there, scratches, but nothing is likely to kill me or crush my dreams in a very definitive manner.

The main problem is saying is way easier than actually doing it. I’m wired to take the safest route recently and willingly drive towards risks and challenges doesn’t come naturally. I’ll try taking the hands off the wheel for a while and see where that leads me.

I mentioned it a few times in the videos and reviews, but didn’t get to make an official post about the subject, so here it goes.

A few months ago me and my friend Rob Bannister partnered up combining our arsenal of unusual gear (my anamorphics, russian primes and zeiss set, his anamorphics, Dog Schidt Optiks and Kinemini, plus a lot of smaller gear from the both of us) into this gear-renting enterprised named Creative Camera Rentals. Our goal is to reach the people who got bored of shooting Canon L or super clean and sharp and clinical footage and want to add some character that can only be achieved optically. Add that uniqueness to the look of your project, that Hollywood touch without the Hollywood budget.

I reckon this might interest quite a bunch of film students and independent filmmakers out there as I was interested myself and would’ve loved to find a rental place like this while I went through film school. We’re running a small operation, just the two of us, our offices are our homes and we haven’t started advertising anything yet except a few posts on facebook, close friends and the random people that talk to us on the streets with curious looks about the weirdness of the gear in our hands.

So like us on Facebook, share it with friends that might be into this kind of crazy and drop a line if you’re interested or curious about anything!

You (more than) once said you liked me and I replied “I like you too, and maybe a little more than I should“. I never got to explain, so here it goes.

There couldn’t be a better time for you to show up. Actually, scratch that, there couldn’t possibly be a worse time for you to show up and that is part of the reason that makes it so good. I was broken. I am broken. I’ve been broken and it’s not new. After the latest turn of events I thought I could use the time alone to figure myself out and gradually shine some light onto the things I’ve stored away in my memory, in my dustiest inner shelves. That strategy would play out nicely and in a few months – few? months? – I’d be back to what I assume is my normal state. I’ll just go ahead and admit it was a failed plan which wouldn’t work because it takes more than me to fix whatever is wrong in my head, result of a 1+ year of a messy life – in all possible aspects.

A 1+ year of going mad and trying to fix things I didn’t know if could or not be fixed. Things I didn’t know if should or not be fixed. 1+ year of feeding fears and insecurities, of making myself smaller and as invisible as I could, as quite and by myself as humanly possible.

So, in a direct answer, I wasn’t ready for this. I am not ready for you. You can’t be real, you fit in too many of my dream categories – including some of the weirdest and most secret ones -, so you can only be made of the stuff dreams are made of. The fact that I’m not ready didn’t stop me from keep going – well, it did at times, and then you revealed yourself to be even more dream-like than before – and this desire to continue fuels my resolve to fix myself faster and better than I’ve been before.

I’m not BEING sweet. I do the things I do because they’re the only viable option at the time. It’s like we talked the other day: I can’t imagine being any different because that’s how it is and I don’t feel the need to think about it. It’s simple – but quite complex at the same time – just how it should be when it works. I know I usually think too much about pretty much everything. One of the few things that escape my awful overthinking habit is the way I am when I’m with you.

I don’t know if this is indeed Something or if it’s just a temporary state. I know it creates a mess and I apologize now – as I did before. I tried to avoid it as much as I could but it’s not just up to me. I’ve played a few different roles in situations like this before, I do have an “ideal outcome” in mind, but I’ll play with whatever comes out of it because I want you as part of my life.

You were (more than) patient when you didn’t have to. You were interested and honest when all I could think of myself was “boring” and all I could reply to your daring questions was “I don’t know”/”I don’t remember”/”I never thought about it” even though I had a million other answers that I didn’t feel comfortable enough spitting out yet. You’re changing the way I see myself and how I go about life. You’re warm where I’m cold and you got me figured out from the start. I care so much I have to pretend I don’t care at all so I’m never disappointed. I play safe because it’s the only way I know how to play.

Time for a bit of chaos. Will you still dream with me, or I better wake up now, and let it all go?

É engraçado escrever sobre felicidade nesse momento da minha história. Sempre me considerei uma pessoa feliz, mas de uns tempos pra cá, acho que ela resolveu tirar férias e a vida ficou complicada pra caramba. Foi difícil do tipo “qual o objetivo disso tudo que eu to fazendo?”, e faltava justificativa pra sair da cama. Tinha menos de um ano morando fora, longe de tudo que eu conhecia, falando uma língua diferente, estudando o que eu quero fazer todos os dias da minha vida – efeitos especiais, caso você esteja se perguntando. Parece um cenário bem positivo, mas não era. Enfim.

Esse texto não é pra ficar chorando sobre os entraves da vida, mas essas informações aí são relevantes porque pra sair desse estado eu tive que pensar e descobrir muita coisa sobre mim mesmo, especialmente “o que é que me faz feliz?”, porque é um processo muito mais interno do que externo. Pra ser feliz eu preciso estar em paz comigo mesmo, eu preciso de Sol, eu preciso estar empenhado em algo que goste, trabalhar, de preferência em mais coisas do que eu acho que dou conta, que me motive a testar idéias que nunca pensei antes. Ser feliz pra mim é descobrir que sou capaz de coisas que não achava possível. Eu sou feliz comigo mesmo, sendo minha companhia pra aventuras de bicicleta, idas ao cinema sozinho e incontáveis conversas com todo mundo que mora dentro da minha cabeça. Felicidade não é um estado permanente – o que é uma bênção, porque senão a gente provavelmente cansaria muito rápido – mas eventos pontuais que dão aquela descarga de euforia e a sensação de que meu corpo não é suficiente pra conter toda aquela energia.

Depois de todo esse drama, de perder 12kg e ganhar tudo de volta a muito custo, eu consegui definir algumas metas pra vida e são essas as coisas que me fazem levantar todo dia às 7 da manhã – inclusive aos Domingos. Como da vida a gente não leva nada, tô determinado a deixar uma marca pros que ficam ou vêm depois. Ainda não sei exatamente que marca é essa então tenho trabalhado em muitas coisas ao mesmo tempo. Meu objetivo é fazer o que eu gosto com pessoas que gosto e confio, mesmo que o retorno financeiro não seja essa maravilha.

Não faço muita questão de uma vida segura – acho que minhas mudanças de Salvador pra São Paulo pra Vancouver já dão pista disso – mas faço questão de uma vida onde cada dia tenha algo digno de lembrar e onde eu acorde pensando “Ae, hoje eu vou fazer (preencha com atividade) e vai ser muito daora!”. Pra conseguir chegar onde estou e continuar seguindo essa minha rota, tenho uma pá de gente que me apóia até nas decisões mais estúpidas – aquelas que nem eu mesmo me apoiaria! – e são essas que fazem toda a diferença no caminho. A todas elas eu sou grato, começando pelos meus pais e Lila – piegas? é só porque você não conhece o trio, e se conhece, tenho certeza que entende meu ponto! -, seguidos de perto pela Paperball Productions, que é minha segunda família e a quem eu recorro quando o assunto é daqueles que a gente não conversa com os pais.

Tito Ferradans, escritor/fotógrafo/filmmaker/vfx artist – 26 anos – 29 de Julho, 23 de Novembro.

(só pra fechar, eu TIVE que ir com esse título por causa do filme – que não é bom e não vale a pena assistir!)

Fazer um filme é um puta desafio. Fazer um filme a dois então é um desafio muito maior. Tudo é dividido, todas as decisões são discutidas e o produto é resultado da combinação de duas cabeças completamente diferentes.

Sei que muita gente já começou a fazer um filme e abandonou no meio. Chegar no fim e dar por terminado é absurdamente complicado. Geralmente é o prazo de entrega pra um festival ou contrato, mas quando esse não é o caso, a produção pode levar anos. O nosso levou anos. Achamos que ia levar muitos mais, que ia ser daqueles que nunca ficam prontos e que o processo é mais importante que o produto.

Não foi assim, infinito, mas o processo ainda foi muito mais importante que o produto. Não que o produto tenha ficado aquém do esperado. É um clássico, daqueles que quando não tem nada acontecendo, vale a pena voltar na memória e assistir um trechinho ou outro, lembrar do roteiro, de todos os pontos de virada, rir nas partes mais engraçadas, aprender com as partes mais trágicas e vibrar com todas as nossas conquistas ao longo desse tempo. É, May, você acertou em cheio:

Nosso filme ficou lindo.

Just to fuck it up I’m using a photo that was actually taken on a Wednesday but represents how weekend looks like to me.

Every weekend I kind of space out. It’s been the time when I forget that I’m a million miles away from home and I actually feel home. I don’t feel lost, I don’t feel sad, I actually feel hungry and enjoy going out for food. I enjoy going out overall, and feel pretty good coming home exhausted. I now have days when I don’t speak any Portuguese at all – it used to be the other way around, almost avoiding English at any cost – which makes me realize how my English sucks and I feel like getting better at it as the part of me that it represents, instead of hiding it as something that I makes me uncomfortable.

I’m able to forget my phone and all social media. I forget to post stuff even when I do have stuff to post. Less and less digital, I guess I’m more into reality than ever. Someone asked me the other day “do you think your life is better now than it was an year ago?” and that sent me off in a time travel experience. Last year I was missing home like crazy. Missing home is pretty crazy by itself. It’s not something that comes and goes, it’s a constant feeling, actually it’s a constant absence. Absence of the people, places and everything you know, absence of feeling comfortable not only on the outside, but especially with yourself. The weather year is definitely colder than last year – so far – but I’m much more comfortable with it. I guess I have enough to keep me warm inside and out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying life’s easy now – I slipped on the ice and fell off the bike today! -, but we do have pretty great weekends.

They’re pretty much like an endless sunset, from 7am to 4pm, then the actual sunset lasts for 5 minutes and that’s it. But they have proven themselves more than ideal for lens tests and enjoyable bike rides (in spite of the cold).

SLR Magic Anamorphot 1.33x-50 + Canon EF 40mm f/2.8 + Canon 5D3