What if who I hoped to be…

February 1, 2019

A lot happened in my life last year and some things really started to change during the second semester of this year, making me think about who I hoped to be.

It had been a year since I came out of school – hopefully for the last time in a while – and I had been working consistently. Maybe too consistently, too intensely. Projects paid too little and required too much. I wasn’t being true to my feelings and ideals. Dead set on the things people told were important. And money.

I noticed a cycle. Having too much gear yet never the right gear. Having too many projects yet never the right projects. I decided to try on life what I did for work: pull focus.

To pull focus onto something is to ignore the rest. Dissolve it in a blur. To never draw attention from what’s important. I started wondering about who I hoped to be in a few years.

We’re always in pursuit of the shiny and new things, pretending to be someone we don’t fit inside the skin, shouting to the void our accomplishments and expecting recognition from the crowd.

More likes, more shares, more views, more subscribers. For what? I had no answer.

Who was this I hoped to be?

I decided I was gonna be ok with less money. Less visibility. Time to quit social media. I decided to cut back on the YouTube videos. I decided to sell a lot of gear and buy nothing to replace it. A new way of filtering projects shaped up. I started picking the people I wanted to work with, and the reasons each project was important, passing the non-important ones.

I made a film of my own with the most amazing team. Suddenly I had time to study and write on my own. I could spend time with my friends without being in a work setting. I bought a new bike and I go at it as if anytime I could take off into the sky. Ariana’s importance in my life became crystal clear along with all the things I could learn from her.

Then, on the flight back home after New Year with Ari’s family, “Stupid Deep” clicked. The lyrics summarized my thoughts and feelings. I scribbled a bunch of animation notes and ideas on my little notebook. Some of my best thoughts come while up in the air.

I dusted off my After Effects skills. One verse at a time, I animated.

That’s how I want to end this post, with these lyrics. If you got this far, listen to them, think about their meaning, simplify. Life feels better when focused.

“What if who I hoped to be… was always me?”